


Hat Trick

by Amariel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gratuitous Smut, Improper use of headgear, Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:44:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7994035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amariel/pseuds/Amariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Quote from Boston Globe Magazine 2004: <i>"It's safe to assume that when [Rowling] hails her readers' creativity, she has in mind something other than tales wherein Professor Snape is fellated by the Sorting Hat."</i> But if that kind of creativity is more of your cup of tea, this is the tale they were talking about...<br/><a>Translated to Russian</a> by Victoria Elner.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Hat Trick

**Author's Note:**

> Quote from Boston Globe Magazine 2004: _"It's safe to assume that when [Rowling] hails her readers' creativity, she has in mind something other than tales wherein Professor Snape is fellated by the Sorting Hat."_ But if that kind of creativity is more of your cup of tea, this is the tale they were talking about...  
> Translated to Russian by Victoria Elner.

It was one of the most embarrassing moments in Severus Snape's life. Voices came closer, steps were echoing in the stone hallways. It seemed to be a batch of students, if you could judge by the noise level. Where was that invisibility potion when you needed it? In his cupboard as it should be. Accio robes he mouthed fruitlessly, since there wasn't anything even remotely looking like a robe in sight. And even if there had been he would have needed his wand for any kind of spell, the wand, that lay useless among his black robes, carelessly kicked under the bed he left half a minute ago. 

Damn those hexed corridors in this thrice cursed building. Like it could have sensed his desperation the passage had opened like a charm under his palm, walls of stone separating, revealing a dark hole that looked like it always had been there. He thought it was a hidden closet and jumped inside. The wall closed. He found himself in an empty short passage. His hands could feel the stones in the back wall. Then suddenly, without warning the wall bounced once and disappeared. He fell, and landed in a hallway. A hallway lit with the flickering flames from torches. He recognised it immediately as one of the passageways from the classrooms to the great hall, and it was close to dinner. The wall he had fallen through showed nothing. The opening had been there one second and lost the next. The wall was empty, except for the torches. No gossipy portraits in sight. Well, that was a small blessing. He should probably be glad it hadn't been one of those seasonal passages that opens every tenth spring, during the dragon's mating period or when pigs flew. That thought didn't make him feel any better. In fact it probably would have been an improvement to being encapsulated in stone for a lengthy period. Like a lifetime or two. 

He wondered if there might be a position for a ridiculed Potions teacher in some minor wizarding school that he could apply for. Preferably somewhere far away. Probably not. The wizarding world wasn't that big and this would haunt him forever. Pesky cheery voices of those dratted student were closing in from both directions. 

He would never live this down. 

It was a total mess. And if it was anything Severus Snape disliked it was a total mess. When he, himself was the one in it, that is. Other people's messes should be dealt with and punished accordingly. Even if he could, and most certainly would put the blame on someone else this time it wouldn't help. He still was the one who had to flee that someone's chambers when said someone got an unexpected visitor. Or maybe it was an expected visitor who came back to the arms of his unfaithful lover a little too early. 

No little romp, however satisfying could be worth this. He should have stayed instead of throwing himself into that hidden passage like a coward. He should have fought. No, not really. Severus wasn't a fighter. That much he knew about himself. He could surely hold his own with a wand. But a fistfight, without magic, which he was sure would have been the result of staying, was a lost cause. The man he could hear entering the chambers had bested him more than once, even if that was a long time ago. And he wasn't in a hurry to be humiliated like that again. He wasn't in a hurry to be humiliated at all. Damn them both! Damn them for making a fool out of him in front of the students. 

They would laugh now, those little ingrate dunderheads that never would acquire a fraction of the knowledge or inherit an ounce of the brains needed to understand the true nature of Potions. At least his teachings kept them from killing themselves. He often wondered if that was a blessing or a curse. 

And now he would be a laughingstock. Those who didn't laugh would pity him. If there was something in this world he hated more than anything else it was to be the object of pity. 

He tried to look completely normal, straightened his back and leaned against the stone. And flinched. Damned that.... He had forgotten his back was covered with claw marks. 

The little pests would have to deal with finding a very angry and very naked Professor Snape on their way to the Great Hall. How Severus himself would deal with that was another matter. 

The students were closing in. Now he could even hear the annoying voices of a gaggle of second year Gryffindors coming from the left and an older group of his very own Slytherins from the right. He silently cursed his whole life, his poor choice of lovers, his mother and father for conceiving him and his decision to join Dumbledore and leaving the Death Eater ranks. 

This is the moment of truth, he silently swore to himself. There was a reason he always wore long sleeves. The skull and the snake on his pale arm had faded, but was nevertheless very visible, now for everyone to see. As was as the other mark on his left buttock. He often considered having it removed. It was a not too fond memory of a weekend in Paris. The next morning he had a small tattooed version of the Slytherin crest permanently attached to his body and no memories of how it got there. Sometimes late at night he still could hear the snake hiss. If nothing else it was a reminder that he never again should try to drink any member of the Malfoy family under the table. Especially not when old Malfoy family recipes of enchanted Absinthe were involved. 

A shadow fell over the opposite wall. Severus jumped around. No one was there. An opening showed up. He threw himself into the dark. Anything, anything at all, even death itself, was better than being ridiculed by students behind his back for decades, maybe even centuries. 

It was a locker of some sort. And there was a door on the other side, slightly ajar. In the gray light he could see shelves with objects, some he recognized as weapons, others were just toys and gadgets, of both magical and Muggle kind. A cracked mug filled with quills, some neatly piled parchment and a bag of candy from Honeydukes. 

Someone opened the door. He tried to hide in the back of the small chamber and grabbed something that looked like a cleaning rag of some sort and held it in front of his crotch. 

A white-haired head peeked in through the opening. A hand grabbed the candy bag. 

"Wait a second. I've got some candy here. I think there might be some chocolate too. Or else we have to go to Madam Pomfrey." The door closed. 

It was dark. The cloth started to wriggle, attaching itself to his groin like an octopus. He tried to throw it away but it stayed on, slowly stretching, moving and filling out. He was terrified. What if the object was some kind of castrating device? He tried to be calm. Without success. The cloth wriggled around like a devoted snake, not aggressive at all, not like something that would rip off body parts he didn't want to loose. Quite tenderly, in fact. He took several deep breaths. What was it? Some enchanted sexual aid confiscated from students? 

_Hello, Severus, long time no feel._

The voice in his head was exactly the same that had told him he was ambitious enough to do well in Slytherin, almost 26 years ago. 

"How-how did you know? I didn't put you on my head." 

_Oh, when it comes to the mind there's really no limits. I hear what you think with one head as well as the other, if you get my drift._ The hat moved and wriggled around, like a live thing. Well, he supposed it was in some respects. And he did get what the hat meant. He could hear it laugh in his head as he responded in a way the hat surely had intended. 

_Little Severus Snape of Slytherin, you sure have grown up. In more ways than one._ He heard a distinct slurping sound and felt something like lips enclose him tighter. He bit his lip trying not to move, not to moan. A tongue. A tongue? Licking up and down, sucking, licking. He shivered and bit his lip again. 

"I didn't know you could do this," he thought. 

_The founders put their best qualities in me, as I'm sure you know. This was one of the gifts Salazar himself gave me. His special little magic, you could say._

The mouth fully enclosed him now. It felt like three tongues and very soft lips all the way. And it made some sort of vibrating that made him nearly topple over. It sounded like it was humming an old song. It felt like heaven. 

_You like this? I think you do._

"Oh, sweet Nora on a stick. Oh dear. How is it possible to talk when you are doing that? And THAT? Oh Merlin." 

_You're not thinking clearly Severus; I don't need a mouth to speak. I'm a hat._ The voice sounded giddy, almost giggly. 

"Gaaah!"

 _Be still Severus. Nothing to fear. I think I've still got the knack, even if I don't get to do this often._

"I didn't know you could. Oh yes. Yes. Oh yes." He tried not to scream. 

_I have to. Not that I need much, but there must be some substance to keep the creative juices flowing. And I liked what I could feel of your little performance earlier today._

"How-how could you know about that?" 

_There isn't much that goes on in this school that I don't know, Severus. I may not look like much but my powers are no joke._ The hat's leathery surface attached itself to Severus with vigorous rippling movements and a suction that would have left the octopus in the lake to shame. Severus realised that while struggling to keep quiet he had bitten through his lip as his mouth filled with the metallic taste of blood. 

The sound in his head resembled lips smacking. The mouth withdrew. Severus drew his fingers through his hair and sighed. The hat fell down to the floor. He could still hear the voice but it was much weaker. 

_Well done, dear Head of Slytherin. You would have made old Salazar proud. I know where to find you. Should the need arise. Just put me back on the shelf now._

The voice fell silent. He felt oddly rejected. Then the door opened. 

"Just let me put this back." A pair of blue eyes widened and Dumbledore's mouth formed an O. He turned back into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. 

"Mr. Potter. Mr. Malfoy. I have urgent business to take care of. Professor Snape will take care of your detention tomorrow. You can leave now." Severus winced as he heard muffled protests. Another door opened and closed. 

"Severus!" 

"I'm sorry headmaster. This is most inconvenient. I am not. I mean I was not. This was a most unfortunate accident and I assure you-" Dumbledore only shook his head and held up his hand to interrupt him. 

"Let me get you some clothes. I don't really think you should walk around the school naked." He took a somewhat reluctant step out into Dumbledore's office. The headmaster soon came back with some old purple robes that Severus gratefully put on. 

"Did the hat bother you?" Severus snorted and looked at his feet. 

"My being here like this was just a most unfortunate accident," Severus repeated somewhat haughtily. Dumbledore probably already knew what had happened, but that didn't mean he would have to admit to anything. 

Dumbledore just nodded thoughtfully and smiled. 

"It talks too much, that is a little bit of a put off, if you know what I mean. But it has its uses." Severus snorted again. That was a mental image he didn't need. 

"I didn't mean to walk into your closet. A door opened from the hallway. The hidden passages in this school are treacherous and a danger to us all." 

"Oh bother. Not again. I have to seal that way every other year. A couple of years ago it took in the whole Hufflepuff Quidditch team. I don't blame them, it can be quite persuasive. But they made a total mess of my closet." 

"Well, thank you for the robes. I won't put myself in this situation again." 

"Don't worry." 

If some thought it was peculiar that Professor Severus Snape walked briskly through the Great Hall without stopping, barefoot and dressed in purple, and a little too short, robes, no one said anything about it. 

He didn't stop until he reached his own chambers, just rushed in. Closed the door and sighed deeply. Someone was already in there. His head snapped up. 

"Oh god, Severus, I've been so worried. Where have you been? I'm so sorry! I didn't know that he was going to come back so soon."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Rally for beta-reading the story. Old story, previously archived at FF.net and Skyehawke. Written for the SSFQF, second wave 2002. Also my first step into ficwriting in the HP fandom.


End file.
